My Identity was Stolen, What Do I Do Now?
So a couple weeks ago, I got a message on my voice mail from WaMU (I know - now Chase..) saying that there had been several unauthorized purchases made on my debit card and they wanted me to call and see if I had ACTUALLY made these suspicious purchases. I looked to see if I had my debit card. I thought maybe I had lost it on July 4th and some hoodlum had picked it up. Sure enough, it was tucked away safely into my wallet. So what were these purchases? Any normal person would have just checked their checking account online but unfortunately, through a series of unfortunate events I had completely forgotten what my log-in name was. I tried all my usual usernames: JewBoy69, FamousKid89 and JonasLoveNumba1. None of them worked. After getting through to an operator, I found out that my user name was NoahReich. I suppose that makes sense even though it’s rather boring for me.
So I log-in and finally see my billing statement for the past few weeks and was surprised by what I found.
7/7/2009 VICTORIA’S SECRET SHERMAN OAKS $21.88
7/6/2009 SMARTNFINAL BURBANK $267.54
7/6/2009 ALDO $21.93
7/6/2009 FOREVER21 SHERMAN OAKS $200.00
7/3/2009 ALDO $38.06
6/30/2009 SEPHORA GLENDALE $220.69
6/30/2009 CITY OF GLENDALE GLENDALE $0.50
6/30/2009 CITY OF GLENDALE GLENDALE $0.75
6/30/2009 SMARTNFINALGLENDALE $146.85
6/29/2009 CITY OF GLENDALE GLENDALE $1.00
6/29/2009 CA CAR WASH GLENDALE $27.48
6/29/2009 ALDO $109.26
6/29/2009 FRIDA MEXICAN CUIS GLENDALE $76.48
6/29/2009 TRADER JOE’S SHERMAN OAKS $208.07
6/26/2009 GLENDALE RANCH MARKET GLENDALE $113.15
So after reading all these charges on my card, I knew that the culprit obviously was Armenian, likes to wear make up, designer shoes and owns a dog.
After inputting this information in a criminal database (Google Images), I’ve come to the conclusion that this MUST be the culprit.
So I decided I’d leave the arresting of the above woman and all the criminal stuff to the LAPD but now I was left emotionally devastated. As funny as all the purchases were and even though I knew that all the money would be reimbursed eventually, I still couldn’t help but feel violated. Somewhere I went, some machine I used, some person I encountered, somehow someone was able to steal all my information. It’s a very awkward and weird image to picture someone using my credit card and identity to make a purchase at Victoria’s Secret. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I think I was more bummed to find out that I had a stupid IMDB Pro membership that I had been paying for $12.95 a month for and haven’t been using at all. That’s 12 months of amazing celebrity stalking information that I could have retrieved. Stupid me! So after eating a pint of Chunky Monkey, I decided it was time for the recovery process to begin.
I called the WaMu claims department to fix this mess and get my hard earned money back. After 20 minutes on hold, I finally got a representative. I explained my situation and he told me to start reading off the unauthorized purchases.
I began, “Victoria’s Secret”
“Oh, someone wanted to impress that special someone”, the WaMu representative said.
I continued “Aldo Shoes”
“Guess someone likes there shoes to match their lingerie.”
I hesitantly laughed then though how weird it was that the WaMU representative had such a vocal presence and thought that was pretty amazing.
“Sephora”
“Guess this chick has to have her make up.”
“PetCo”
“You know this has to be the most random claims call I’ve ever reported.”
“Trader Joe’s $200″
“Oooh, can’t forget about that organic food.”
“And that’s all of them!” I said.
“Well I’m just gonna look over the past month of your statement and see if you missed any other suspicious purchases. A lot of times these fall under a pattern so it’s easy to spot them” he told me.
I waited patiently as he scanned the billing statement, began daydreaming
“Ahhh……I found another one!”
“Huhh?!? What? Really?”
“Yes, it seems that this woman also made a purchase for….you’re not gonna believe it….Miley Cyrus concert tickets.”
I paused.
“Wow, the nerve of people these days. This is hilarious” he said while laughing.
“Umm…actually I made that purchase.”
“Wait….really?”
I hesitated, “Yea…for…um…my nephe—niece! She loves Hannah Montana.”
After coming to that awkward conclusion, I was assured that I’d get the $1,600 bucks back but my dignity was forever lost.
Whatever.
LONG LIVE MILEY! KATRINA, CHELSEY AND I ARE GONNA HAVE THE TIME OF OUR LIVES COME SEPTEMBER! WOOOO!
