The Orphan Premiere: I Know What’s Wrong with Esther
Since early this year, there has only been ONE question on EVERYBODY’S mind! What’s wrong with Esther? I’m very proud and honored to be able to say, I know what’s wrong with Esther. Let’s rewind a little bit. Tonight was the premiere of The Orphan, I think that the trailer was absolutely ridiculous, the premise was cliche and that the movie would be terrible. That being said, I had a feeling that the film might actually be pretty fun. I enjoyed EVERY second of Obsessed even though that was a terrible, terrible film. Well, that’s pretty much the best way to categorize The Orphan.
The night began with everybody meeting at Diddy Reese to wait an hour just to get a stupid Hawaiian shaved iced. All together the gang was made up of me, Adam, Chelsey, Moses, Ian, Alex, Amara, Seth and Monica with some cameos by Sameer, Brent and Brent’s mom.
We spent most of the hour until the premiere trying to guess what’s wrong with Esther. We were listening to the very awkward soundtrack which gave some hints away as to Esther’s secret. I didn’t even realize it but I came up with exactly what was wrong with her during this time and it’s so dumb that I wish I hadn’t yet it’s kind of creepy to me. Are you starting to see the recurring theme of me talking trash about the film but then on reflection going, hmm I kinda liked it? Haha Well I’ll end up doing it a few more times.
We get our tickets and go inside the theater where we were greeted by a delicious concession stand of free popcorn and soda. We headed to our seats where we just laughed and joked around. Usually, we’d try and hang in the lobby to see which stars would come but who were we kidding. It’s the premiere of a grindhouse trashy horror film, NO stars would actually show up to it. Or so we thought. Alex was so bored that he read every single line of the premiere ticket where he discovered that the movie was produced by King of the World himself, Leonardo Dicaprio. Hmm, maybe he would show up ? Nahh. At that very moment, Ian thew his phone in front of my face and said “Read this tweet!”
KimKardashian: On our way 2 the Orphan premiere w @BrittGastineau & @PrincessSuperC
So Chelsey and I head to the lobby where we ran into Brent and his mom. He told us that he just met Emmy Rossum. Emmy Rossum is the star of Phantom of the Opera and one of Chelsey’s heroes. Emmy has been some weird special bond that Chelsey and I have had for years so once we heard that, we sprinted to the lobby. Didn’t see her. Didn’t see Kim K nor did we see Ciara so we just waited….and waited…and waited. Just as the film was about to start, we got up and started walking back into the theater. That is when I saw a beautiful short haired woman. “Oooo snaps, I found Ciara! Chelsey run!” Right as Kim and Ciara came in, we were there to greet them haha. I told Ciara how “Work is the best song of the summer and I literally do the work dance in front of the mirror in my bathroom every night.” She laughed. I wasn’t joking :-( Made a stupid joke about Kim’s workout dvds but didn’t care too much about her. After she insulted Ganush like she did, I just can’t take her seriously.)
HEAVEN CONSISTS OF A CIARA + KIM KARDASHIAN SANDWICH
Don’t we look like Armenian brother and sister? NEVER FORGET!!!!
After meeting Ciara and Kim K, headed into the theater to watch the movie. Now let’s get to the mini review portion. The opening scene was very creepy and bizarre but for some reason I just couldn’t get into the film at first. I just kept saying, “this is a rip off of The Omen, The Bad Seed, Joshua etc..etc…Noah try to be fair, enjoy it!” The very half of the film especially whenever Esther talked, I spent laughing out loud. The movie is hilarious, now whether it’s intention or not, well we’ll just have to wait for the dvd commentary. The violence in the movie is pretty delicious. Yes, I do realize using a word such as delicious to describe violence is one of the #1 signs of a sociopath but I’m just stating the truth. They rarely cut away especially during graphic scenes such as a hammer to the face, an arm being broken with bones popping out, excessive stabbing, neck breaking kick. There’s a lot of them! I really liked the family overall and I thought that Esther was so sweet in the beginning. I would totally adopt her! She was so intelligent, artistic and social. The daughter in the family is deaf and seeing such a cute little girl signing broke my heart every time. It was weird but there were so many moments in the film that hit an emotional cord. I never thought I’d get teary eyed during The Orphan but I promise you this little girl will make your heart melt. On second thought I love the structure of the film, they really make everyone seem so sympathetic and sweet whether it’s Esther, her mom or the daughter then for the second half when Esther unleashes hell, you feel as if your whole world is being flipped upside down. Time to get to the ending! I couldn’t really get into Esther at first because I thought it was so ridiculous but near the end of the film, it all clicked in place. The movie is a joke, its supposed to be a joke and you need to go into it just wanting to have a fun time. I was laughing hysterically from start to finish and I promise you will too. That being said, Amara was so scared from the film that she was crying the entire time. There was a ghetto woman screaming out loud the whole time who I found out was actually Ciara. Ghettttooooo!!!!
Once the movie ended, all the fun started. Chelsey was determined to meet Emmy Rossum. I was determined to meet Esther.
First up, we met Lisa Rinna. I use to have beef with her because one year I took my mom and her friend Yolanda to the Daytime Emmy Awards. We were beside a bunch of tourists from the midwest who were going crazy every time they recognized someone from General Hospital so when they saw Lisa Rinna thy freaked. They screamed, “Lissaaaa!! LIsssaaaa!! Can we get a picture with you??? PLeasee!!” Lisa heard them and said, “No..no.. pictures OF me!” Then she stood there and posed while the tourists eagerly took pics of her. That wasn’t very cool to me and I always imagined she didn’t like taking picture with people because it would reveal her the work she’s had down. At the premiere I made Chelsey ask just to see if she’d say no, she hesitated like hell but then went, “Yeah…sure.” So Lisa gets an A-okay in my book now.
After Rinna, I was on the hunt. I was determined to find Emmy Rossum amongst the packed lobby of people. I looked and thanks to Brent’s description of her her dress and what she looked like, I was able to spot her. Chelsey and i ran up to her. We told her how much we love her. All the Phantom memories started to come back. Before I knew it, I was talking a picture of my little lying delilah with Christine Emmy Rossum!
After we met Emmy, it was time to find out whether the screaming really was who I thought it was throughout the film. It was. Bad…bad girl Ciara.
Does anybody remember that old rumor about Ciara? How she was actually a transsexual and she was on the Oprah Winfrey Show where she publicly came out and admitted it! That’s so crazy to me, I seriously feel like that rumor destroyed a lot of Ciara’s credibility. I searched about it on google and this is what I got.
“Ciara’s “coming out” as a lesbian would have been difficult on its own. But also having to admit that she is really a he on national television was cause for celebration among the gay and lesbian community. No major pop singer has ever come out as a transvestite to viewers explicitly after already releasing an album.” Very inspiring haha
Ran into Brittany Gastineu who you may remember from Bruno. ABORT IT!!!
We found Ciara. We found Kim K. And we found Emmy Rossum. Now we just needed to find Esther.
Who would have ever guessed?
Isn’t she so sweet looking?
This poor little girl’s face has been plastered all over the world as an evil child but she’s so sweet and nice in real life.
Or is she? Muhahahahahahha
Esther is nothing but evil but she’s got nothing on Ganush!
The cute little deaf daughter from the film that will make you teary eyed!
We got to meet Vera Farmiga who plays Esther’s mom, is in Joshua AND The Departed. Very sweet
As were leaving I spotted one of my favorite directors of all time, Sam Raimi.
Raimi directed my favorite horror films of the past few years, Drag Me to Hell.
I told him, “I enjoyed The Orphan but it was NOTHING compared to Drag Me to Hell.”
He immediatley became very humble and said, “Ooo thank you thank, you’re too kind.”
“No seriously Sam, DRTH is the scariest horror film of the past two decades, it seriously gives me nightmares.”
He responded, “Wow, thank you so much, you just made me entire night. I’m so excited to hear that”
“Mrs . Ganush is one of the greatest monster creations and she literally haunts my dreams.”
“Thanks you so much again, what’s your name?” He asked.
“Noah.”
“Well, it’s very nice to meet you Noah, it means a lot to hear you say all those things, thank you so much!”
It’s RIDICULOUS to know that such a sweet, soft spoken and humble man helms the ENTIRE Spider Man franchise. He directs 300+ million dollar movies yet he’s so nice and sincere with everything he says or does. I learned one thing tonight and it’s that I want to be exactly like Sam Raimi when I become a director. The ability to stay to level headed and grounded yet be surrounded by such a chaotic and superficial work is truly inspiring and amazing.
After the premiere, we headed to grab dinner at In ‘n Out.
Adam Lambert AND Zac Efron ate with us. It was epic.
I then realized that I looked like the mascot for In ‘n Out. 
Capped the night off by going to Yogurtland. It was a bit crowded and it was my first time eating there. I’m such a loyal Menchie’s consumer that I was turned off by Yogurtland. It reminds me too much of Pinkberry. We stood in line but then decided to just get a bunch of samples and adios the joint. Menchie’s atmosphere is just so much more exciting and fun compared to the boring Yogurtland. Overall, it was a great/amazing/fun NIGHT! Happy to spend it with such an amazing group of people. Totaly cost for the evening, $5.32 aka the price of a meal. It so amazing to live in Los Angeles where you can do such amazing things and it’s all for free. I love you all, thanks for reading 
-N
